Forgetting What’s Behind

This will probably be one of my most transparent posts to date. I write today for two reasons: first to fully express myself by journaling this moment in time but also in hopes that others, even if just one person, can relate and/or heal through a shared experience.

y In October of 2015, I broke up with my now ex-boyfriend. It was the worst relationship I had ever been in. He had a Master’s in manipulation and exhausted me in ways only an expert narcissist could. We initially met through an online dating site. Fast forward to today, nearly one year since our breakup. I was swiping from left to right on the same dating app with which we had met on. All of a sudden, his picture pops up on the screen. My stomach dropped. There was a flash flood of emotions: the good, the bad, the very bad and downright evil. Somehow I felt curious. I tapped on his picture to look further at his profile. In one of his pictures, he was wearing a shirt I had bought him for his birthday. He listed his height at 5’11” when I know full well he is two inches shorter. I exited the site/app.

I took a bathroom break. Sitting there in the stall I tried to reason with myself. Why did I look? Why did I want to say something? I knew the best thing was to leave him where he belonged, in the past, but my emotions were running wild.y2

I texted a trusted friend asking, “What does it mean when you don’t like someone but you still want them to like you back? Vanity? Conceit?”

He gave me sound advice about the situation, and I felt more calm about my decision to let well alone by doing nothing. Some call it the law of attraction or a self-fulfilling prophecy, but the principle is clear in Proverbs 23:7. As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. Another scripture is of a similar tone in Matthew 9:29 where Jesus says, “According to your faith let it be done to you.”y1

I am a single woman with the desire to one day be married. I know what I have prayed for (and have written down) regarding the qualities and traits that are important to me in a potential mate. I know that I know that I know my ex meets none of those standards. I don’t know if today was meant to be a testing of my faith, but if it is, I feel I have passed. I’m not letting my curiosity tempt me into engaging with my past. I gave the best of myself during a relationship that failed. There is nothing beyond my best to give. Instead, I will wait. With no (qualified) suitors in sight I will wait trusting that God will one day give me my heart’s desire for a husband.y3

P.S. I have forgiven the wrongs he committed against me. The memes are #JustJokes #LaughALittle #SomeOfYallLaughedALot

I dated a crazy person. Does that make me crazy too?

ImageIt wasn’t all bad. He was funny, intellectual, good-looking, and a great father to his children. We even had similar personalities. All 3 months were not bad, but I made the common mistake of putting too much hope into his potential throwing caution to the wind. There were so many red flags and I couldn’t help but feel my intuition, or the Holy Spirit, or my rational logic plead that something wasn’t right. He wasn’t right. Not for me, anyway.

ImageMy first pet peeve is having my time wasted. One Saturday I went to one of his flag football games. I watched him play for the first hour. He would usually sit with me to watch some of the other teams after his game had ended, but this Saturday he didn’t. He said he had to take one of his fellow teammates home but that he would be right back. I went to get something to eat and returned to the field. I waited and watched, waited and watched. He texted to say he was on his way back, but 30 minutes later I was still sitting by myself. After 2 hours I was done waiting and let him know I was leaving. He said ok and mentioned that he had stopped by his house to get his dog.

ImageMy second pet peeve is being lied to. Apparently, he had a German Shepherd named Luke. I have never seen Luke, not even a picture. One time while at his house, he said Luke was at the groomers. Another time he said he was in the back room. I never heard a bark or a scratch. Nothing. His apartment didn’t have an odor and there was no sight of dog hair on the couch or anywhere else in the apartment. No sign of a dog bowl, dog food, a crate, nothing. One day he said that Luke was sick. He took him to the vet and Luke’s stomach had turned. I was thoroughly confused. I didn’t know what that meant but gave him well wishes anyway. A few nights later I went out with some friends to a Zumba party. Once I had returned to my car, I checked my phone to see that he had called several times and texted that he had to put Luke down. I guess that was the death of that lie.

ImageMy third pet peeve is people talking with no actions to back up what is said. Not one, two, or even three times, but there were at least four occasions where he said he was going to come by my place but never came. He said he wanted to get another dog after Luke’s passing but never did. He said he wanted to go to the mountains to see the changing of the colors but never did. He said he wanted to go to a John Legend concert but never did. He said he would pay me back when I lent him money for his phone bill but never did. He said he bought me a pair of Jordans, a watch, and a purse but I never received anything; not even for Christmas. Don’t talk about it, be about it.

ImageMy fourth pet peeve is not getting enough quality time. He was a homebody, but that’s not an excuse to not go out on dates. He never took me anywhere. Hanging out at my house or yours is not sufficient quality time. The few times we went out it was because I asked him to go with me (for example wine tasting and game night at a friend’s house). The last straw came on New Year’s Eve. I asked him what he wanted to do to celebrate. He said he wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to be out in a crowd. I asked him if he wanted to go to church, but he said no. Later that day he sends me a text explaining that he wanted to get his two children but their mother wanted them back the next day. They live an hour apart. Considering his family lives in the same area as his children he decided to be with his family and children that night. Seriously? Thanksgiving and Christmas should definitely be set aside for family time, but (if you’re booed up) you should spend New Year’s Eve with your significant other. He told me countless times that he loved me and wanted to make me his wife. If that were true, why would he not invite me to be with him?

Very little about our relationship made sense, so I broke up with him. I made my decision believing that in due time I would gain a much better relationship with someone else than what I was letting go of. He was upset with me of course. From his standpoint, he knew he wasn’t perfect but felt that I should have accepted him, flaws and all, because he accepted me. I’m in no way claiming to be perfect or flawless. I am neither of those, but I can’t be held responsible for our relationship’s demise. My only regret is not tackling our issues head on as they came up. You live and you learn, and I won’t fall for potential again.

Now Hiring

Notice: I apologize to any Millenial reading this post who may have a short attention span as some work will be required on your part to understand the gist of my subject. Please reference the hyperlinks.now hiring

 

If you take a close look at a job opening for RFMD as an RFIC & Module Design Engineer versus that of Wendy’s for a Crew Member, you’ll see some noticeable differences. On RFMD’s description alone it is slathered with acronyms most of us, including myself, don’t know the meaning of. There are also extensive requirements the average person would not have accomplished. Although both use colorful wording, Wendy’s solicitation of employment is shorter in length, does not require a unique skill set, high education level, or prior training. The summaries don’t specify compensation, but one can infer the pay isn’t as lucrative for the latter in comparison to the former.

 

I mention all of that to say this; the alleged relationship experts and gurus are wrong (and money hungry). They would have us believe we are in error for having high standards and dating would be so much easier if we’d just let our guard down. I’m not buying it. Dating would be easier for women if we weren’t so pressed to not be single.

 

If you consider yourself an H.B.I.C., then men opposed to dominant women with a lot of attitude pride need not apply. If you’re an outgoing adventure seeker, then homebodies need not apply. If your goal is to have a relationship whose end result is marriage, why are you accepting applications from part-timers?

 

We, ladies, talk that talk about knowing our worth and being priceless. If you’re priceless, you shouldn’t be looking for someone who can afford you but someone who understands you. *Spoiler Alert* There is a trade off. Once you decide what you want, don’t want, are willing to deal with, and are not willing to deal with there will be a long period of singledom. Why? Because your requests are going to narrow the pool of qualified applicants. How many employed, attractive, single, straight, no-baby-mama-drama men do you know your age that are willing to forgo sex before marriage?

 

Cricket. Cricket.

 

I have a friend in her mid-twenties who has never been in love or had a “real” boyfriend. It bothers her, but I told her like I’m telling you; you can be satisfied and single. I’m not talking about the women crying, “I don’t need a man,” neck roll and all. They’re egos are perverting the truth. No one, man or woman, should seek another person to complete him or her to make him or herself happy. Be real with who you are and what you have to bring to the table. Then wait. It may be months or years, but you must be willing to wait. Greatness doesn’t come overnight (or with a one night stand). I know that’s a hard pill to swallow in our fast food, instant grits society which is why patience really is a virtue. (I’m still working on it.) I’m not saying not to date proactively, but don’t water down the job description to fit someone else’s persona.

 

It’s about that time for a quarterly review. Take inventory of your relationships and fire anyone who does not provoke your potential. Delete. Unfriend. Deuces. Any way you slice it, “Ain’t nobody got time for dat!”