This will probably be one of my most transparent posts to date. I write today for two reasons: first to fully express myself by journaling this moment in time but also in hopes that others, even if just one person, can relate and/or heal through a shared experience.
In October of 2015, I broke up with my now ex-boyfriend. It was the worst relationship I had ever been in. He had a Master’s in manipulation and exhausted me in ways only an expert narcissist could. We initially met through an online dating site. Fast forward to today, nearly one year since our breakup. I was swiping from left to right on the same dating app with which we had met on. All of a sudden, his picture pops up on the screen. My stomach dropped. There was a flash flood of emotions: the good, the bad, the very bad and downright evil. Somehow I felt curious. I tapped on his picture to look further at his profile. In one of his pictures, he was wearing a shirt I had bought him for his birthday. He listed his height at 5’11” when I know full well he is two inches shorter. I exited the site/app.
I took a bathroom break. Sitting there in the stall I tried to reason with myself. Why did I look? Why did I want to say something? I knew the best thing was to leave him where he belonged, in the past, but my emotions were running wild.
I texted a trusted friend asking, “What does it mean when you don’t like someone but you still want them to like you back? Vanity? Conceit?”
He gave me sound advice about the situation, and I felt more calm about my decision to let well alone by doing nothing. Some call it the law of attraction or a self-fulfilling prophecy, but the principle is clear in Proverbs 23:7. As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. Another scripture is of a similar tone in Matthew 9:29 where Jesus says, “According to your faith let it be done to you.”
I am a single woman with the desire to one day be married. I know what I have prayed for (and have written down) regarding the qualities and traits that are important to me in a potential mate. I know that I know that I know my ex meets none of those standards. I don’t know if today was meant to be a testing of my faith, but if it is, I feel I have passed. I’m not letting my curiosity tempt me into engaging with my past. I gave the best of myself during a relationship that failed. There is nothing beyond my best to give. Instead, I will wait. With no (qualified) suitors in sight I will wait trusting that God will one day give me my heart’s desire for a husband.
P.S. I have forgiven the wrongs he committed against me. The memes are #JustJokes #LaughALittle #SomeOfYallLaughedALot